Tuesday, June 30, 2009

my last day

---NOTICE---Well I would like to start this entry by saying that all pictures will be updated when I get home and when I have fast Internet again because quite honestly the Internet here in Italy is VERY slow and it takes me HOURS to upload pictures here and lately I have not had time to sit at the computer for hours on end uploading pictures. But I do promise that when I get home I will upload all of the remaining pictures that I have so that you guys can all see the pictures from the last 2 months of my trip :)

Now for the real reason that I’m writing this blog entry... If you do not know by now I will be leaving Sardegna tomorrow and I will be leaving Italy on July 5th 2009 so that leaves me today as my last full day left here in Sardegna. I just would like you all to know that this blog entry might not be as long or as thought out as my normal ones because if I tell you in all honestly I’m FREEKING OUT. I woke up today and the first thought in my head was "this is the last time that I will be waking up in this bed to have a full day here in Sardegna!" (I will wake up in it tomorrow but just to leave directly for the airport). I now can't stop running the lists of things that I still need to do (my blog being one of them) in my head over and over and still not fully grasping the fact that I really do only have ONE day here left! It still doesn't seem real that this experience is already over. That the 10 months have gone by this fast. It can’t be true this has to be some kind of joke that everyone is playing on all of us exchangers...

I couldn’t tell you guys if I was more happy then sad, more scared then excited, more nervous then ecstatic. I honestly couldn't tell anyone how I exactly feel right now. My stomach is in knots and my head still can’t grasp the concept that I HAVE to finish everything today because there WILL NOT BE any more days to finish it. That just doesn’t seem real or right to me. I can’t believe that that’s how it is. None of this means that I'm not actually ready to come home and excited to come home because I really am. I really am excited to see all of my friends and my family and my town and everything. I’m just not quite ready to leave here. I love Italy and I love my life here, I love my family and my friends and I know that when I leave here. When I get on that plane tomorrow at 1100 that even if I were to come back. (Which I WILL) nothing will be the same. The world, my world in Sardegna, will have changed forever and I will never get that world back. It’s impossible to get it back exactly how it was this year. It will never be the same as it was and that that is the hardest thing to accept with all of this. its hard to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try how much I continue to study and contact my friends and family here.. If I come back, when I come back, it will never be the same. All of my friends will NEVER all be here at the same place at the same time. It just won’t ever happen. And that’s depressing it really is. I hate it. It’s horrible!

I feel like today, I have too much to do in too little time. When in reality I don’t really have that much to do but because it’s my last day everything seems to feel like it will take me 10 hours and that I will never have time to finish it. But I know that I HAVE to finish it. Like in reality there are only 4 things I HAVE to get finished today. I have to finish this blog (which I’m doing right NOW) then I have to finish writing 4 letters to friends and family, I have to do last minute packing and I have to finish up the gift for my host family. It doesn't seem like much right? Well just because I still have those 4 things I’m like freaking out. I’m freaking out that I won’t finish everything that needs to be finished that I won’t have time that I won’t do them good. (So I should apologize if this blog entry is really crappy, and makes no sense I’m not exactly in a good state to write loll).

Tomorrow I will have to wake up early, by 730 because by 830 I will have to get in the car with my host family so that they can take me to the airport. I will have to have the exact same car ride that I had exactly 10 months ago tomorrow. Only this time, I know that I will be crying instead of incredibly happy, this time I will understand everything that they are saying to me and not need translations like the first time. This time I know that I will be leaving them for a long time and not that I will be going to stay in their house. This time I will be leaving a house that I know and love instead of going to a house that I don’t know and that I don’t feel comfortable in. This time I will be totally comfortable in Italy and really sad to leave instead of being in a new place where I know nothing where I don’t know the language or my family. This time I will be dreading arriving at the airport instead of excited to arrive at home. This time I know I will be saying goodbye instead of hi for the first time. This time I will be envying the person I was 10 months ago because she still had 10 months in Italy instead of me envying the person I am now like I was 10 months ago. This time is the end not the beginning.

I will get to the airport and meet up with all of the people from AFS; about 25 of us will be leaving the Cagliari airport at the same time. We will all be there with our families and we will all be saying good bye to our families and then all of the AFS workers. I can image that that will be one of the saddest airports in the world in that moment. I never really thought about it. But airports are some of the saddest and happiest places in the world. People are constantly leaving and reuniting with the people they love. Whether it be for 3 days or for 3 years they are leaving and reuniting in the airport. There are 2 types of people on a plane the people that are really sad and the people that are really happy. I can guarantee you that we 25 kids will be in the really sad group. its not that we're not all excited to reunite with our family and friends its just that for now all we can think about is leaving these friends and this family and NOT coming back for a while. It wasn’t like when we left that we knew that we would be home in 10 months... now we're leaving with out certainty when we will come back. And how it will be when we come back. It’s all unknown. This time we are leaving into the unknown

I don’t want any of you to get the wrong idea about this post. I am super excited to come home and to see you all again just right now my brain is stuck on "OH NO IM LEAVING" because I still cant comprehend the fact that this time tomorrow I will be in the airport, going through security and leaving my host family and Sardegna forever. I do love you all and miss you all like crazy and I’m excited to be coming home. Just know that.

I will write about the rest of my journey and a "closing blog" when I am finally home became I don’t know how it’s going to go or whats going to happen yet. So i'll let you all know when I get home how it all went and how I’m doing. I’m sorry this one was so strange, short, without grammar, and sporadic but my brain isn’t in the best place to write correctly right now. I hope you all understand what I’m writing. I love and miss you all... see you soon!

Love,
Kendra

10 comments:

Anita said...

that was an amazing and heartfelt entry kendra :)

have a safe trip back

PositivelyPooh said...

:(
You are so extremely lucky.
I've spent all this time preparing packets of info for my parents and working out when to have meetings with my school's guidance and my dad just now let's me know, after watching Taken (you probably never heard of it, cuz u were in Italy, but it's about a girl being kidnapped after her flight to Europe.), he just lets me know he decided i will not be able to study abroad until I'm 18 and he has no control.
Ugh.

:(
Reading your blog makes me want to cry. It's incredibly heartfelt and honest, and it's like i am there! I wish I were...
Positively(sad)Pooh

çiçekçi said...

For sharing thank you very much good very beautiful work

cheryl said...

Whili I may be incredily biased and prejudiced since my daughter wrote this blog this past year, she spent many hours in both thought and actual writing time, to make sure that we as readers felt like we were on her adventures every step of the way with her. I think that she more than accomplished this goal. And while her life in Italy may be ending this weekend, the memories and the love she experienced while she was there will forever change my daughter and her life. I am very much looking forward to her being home again, but I wouldnt have stopped her from having this adventure for one moment. Welcome Home Kendra!!!!!!!!love mom

Sophie said...

I just came back a week ago too from my exchange. had the same feelings before i left as you describe here, and reading your blog entry brought them all back, all the pain of those last goodbyes. it is so unbelievably hard. but now since eight days i'm home, life goes on. have been keeping constantly in touch with friends from exchange, while reconnecting with people at home. wish you all the best with your own return, and in the future. with love, Sophie

kent said...

~good kid! nice blog ... if you go on my blogu! I think that is interesting! novel is the way ... ... I hope you do not have a hate on us ... as everybody else in the world .. . not all Romanians are the same ... my blog is in 6 international languages ... kiss ... you're a sweet girl
~buon ragazzo! nice blog ... se vai sul mio blogu! Penso che sia interessante! romanzo è la via ... ... Spero che non hanno un odio su di noi ... come tutti gli altri nel mondo .. . non tutti i rumeni sono la stessa ... il mio blog è in 6 lingue internazionali ... un bacio ... sei una dolce ragazza
http://kenthd.blogspot.com/

Emily McCorry said...

This was a really great blog! I was wondering how you added the Italian radio thing onto it?

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Zoila said...

Saying goodbye is never an easy thing... but thinking of the people you've missed back home, family, old friends, and relatives, if I were you I would be very excited. I just hope you were not culture shocked with your own country when you get home, one year is too long to miss while you are in Italy.

Ashraf said...

you bolg is very nice and I think that you are very sensitive person